Night

 Did he it break something inside of me, break me in a way that I can’t feel like I used to…? Why there are so many of them around me and none of them is that? And If I lock myself, how would I know when it’s him? 

Looking back I just realized that I somehow always missed those good ones and left with nothing. This one message I’d answer, this one date that I could have gone..

It never felt empty for so long before. 

Last time someone saw me crying, saw me vulnerable and heard what I really think was so long. It’s just me, myself and I at dark times, and many others when it’s light.

It’s hard to believe that there was more pain and emotions that I didn’t go through back then - how much more could it hurt? 

I want to be a child again, I don’t want to grow up get old

Venting out

 I feel empty and numb. I also feel sad and tired and quite bored overall. My life is so good and most people probably would feel quite jealous looking at it from the outside. But there is that hole inside, that emptiness that I don’t know how to fill. 

Of course the first thing I want is to blame - others, him, coincidences, life. It’s the first reflex when you feel bad: find what’s causing the pain and remove/erase/fight it. But maybe this time I’ll try something new - I’ll try to not only look this pain in the eyes and go through it, but also dig deeper into why does did it hurt so badly and how can I learn not be afraid of something new? I don’t even feel like I’m afraid but this must be the reason… 

I don’t even remember how does it feel to love and care about someone. All these last times, it was over before I even started to… 

I want my light and my energy back. I want to be curious and excited again. I want to enjoy, love and ..

Big big change

What a life. What would have I thought if someone would have came to me that worst summer day and told me that in a bit over a year from now, I’ll be sitting at the same spot but in a completely different place in life, completely different place with myself. So many things have changed since then, as they say on Instagram these days, feeling blessed.

Change is always scary but always exciting as well - as long as you believe in yourself, believe in good, the karma/universe/fate will do the rest. We like to have familiar environments and people, we’re usually afraid of new and unknown. 

I feel like I’m closing such a huge chapter in my life and standing in front of something so big that I can’t even grasp it yet. I wanted to write something here for a while, so after some time, I can come back here and look at how it felt. 

For the first time in my life, I’m going into a free flight/spirit mode for a few months. I don’t know where I’ll be in a month, or what I’ll do in 3, I have a one way ticket and a place to stay for the next few days thousands miles away and I can’t put in words how excited I am about all of that. 

They say in order to move forward you need to let the past go. I also read that emotions are like tunnels and you just need to go through it to reach the light in the end, so I feel like the end of this tunnel is very close.   

Suddenly

 Such a weird feeling - waking up and feeling that it was so real, so real sitting at the same table, feeling and trying not to show anything. It’s over. 

Maybe it’s the old home t-shirt that I wear, maybe it’s just an empty heart calling out the space, but it was so sudden after such a long time. 

But are you afraid of getting hurt again? Of sleepless nights, worrying, thinking, crying? Don’t think so

Fear of …

 What is that scares me - the change or the uncertainty? 

Comparing to decisions i made 5 years ago, this one doesn’t seem as risky so maybe I’m just getting old..?

It’s exciting and a bit scary at the same time but I know it’s the right thing. 

Notes to self

 Recently I catch myself overthinking and getting into the negative thinking loop. Good news I’m able to notice it and change the narrative in my head. Don’t forget

You should keep reminding yourself about all the good and positive, about non importance of worrying and overthinking and appreciating. 

I’m also clearly realizing that’s I’ve got no energy or willingness to deal with someone’s indecisiveness, insecurities and lost life tracks. At least on the early stages of dating - if it doesn’t go easy from the beginning, it just doesn’t go 💃🏻 

I can’t wait to leave it all and just go around the world for a few months 

Big city thoughts

 The feeling of being in a wrong place, surrounded by “not my” type of people. Suppressing the creativity and trying to play by the book. 

Wanting a change but being afraid. Maybe one day in the future..? 

Once the jet lag is over, I’ll order my thoughts, I guess..